I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
