Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
