I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
