If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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