and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
