Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
