so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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