If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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