The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
