Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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