Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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