I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
