nut hugger
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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