Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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