fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel great
I just peed on a car
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
