the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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