I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
