And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
well you can't waste a boner
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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