you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
