If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
