Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
