she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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