Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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