I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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