she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
