i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
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Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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