I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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