i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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