2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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