i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
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Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
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His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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