I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
