im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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