I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
