Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
