I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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