everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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