Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
