don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
