my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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