i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
