Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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