your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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