goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
