I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
