Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
