My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
