my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
