I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
