went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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