You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
