dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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