i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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