Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
