I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
