I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
