level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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