I wish I could teleport
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
