It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
